Depression is a tool...

I sat down in the study staring at the screen, cursor blinking, mind blank, desktop covered with chocolate wrappings, an empty cup on one side, books piled in a corner, unshaven, unwashed – and unhappy. The time was about 3am. 

You have seen the movies: Girl gets dumped and she locks herself up for days till a friend comes in to find her drowning in chocolate and icecream, fetid from not having a bath and with streaks of makeup where tears have washed off what would have made her appear more beautiful. I was at that same point; depressed with a capital “D”!

Can’t give details, but it had to do with work-related changes and how much that affected me. It also involved someone who was (and who remains) dear to me. My wife (the angel) was good as always, trying to cheer me up, making the best meals and all that stuff… Even my son tried too; he crawled in love-shaped circles around me, and at some point tried to say the words in ‘babynese’: “John, or dad, or you lovely man with the shaggy beard, it will be alright…”

Ok, I made that up!

However, if there is something I am lousy at, it is staying depressed for long. I have always had a need to “make it happen” – and suddenly, in my depression, I had an epiphany.

Here’s how it happened: My wife comes in from work tired and depressed. My son doesn’t care (why should he?) and he crawls over to her for warmth and “b-juice. I’m sitting in the corner playing some very sad arpeggios on the piano, when I realise that being depressed might satisfy a small part of me – but that actually, just like pain which is not ‘bad’, it is just an arbour of rest that precedes action.

Ok, let me say that again. Pain (physically) is just an indicator that there is some damage to get away from – and of a need to heal. Depression is a tool indicating there has been change that affects your emotional and mental equilibrium – and that there may be a need to rest (even feel low) for a while – before you keep climbing AGAIN.

Depression is almost like sleep. After sleep, you feel refreshed when you get up afterwards. If you sleep too long, you actually feel tired and if you sleep even longer, you get bed sores. Now imagine someone sleeping even longer. Without feeding, the person starts to lose weight as the body converts fat and muscle mass into protein (in addition to  the bed sores) and as sleep goes on, the body uses up its fluids, dehydration and malnourishment set in, and then something even more sinister happens.

When the person reaches a point where they want to get out of that state, they have become too weak to do so – and with no external intervention (as well as inner willingness) death occurs!

*SOUND EFFECT!!!!!!!!!!*

SO, I started to play a happy tune, my wife and I felt better – and then we talked about the challenges, solutions emerged and the next thing I knew, we were going for a stroll, dinner, putting the baby to sleep and – er, it’s two adults on a Friday night, so its “open doors and fireworks” ahead! What’s critical is there was a transition from depression to an objective solution, using depression as a temporary rest point.

In conclusion, I’ll end with this quote: “Rest if you may – but don’t give up!”

Have a great week!